The price of perfectionism in children & education

Is Perfectionism a quality?

If you have a child with perfectionist traits, then please read on...

I've decided to write this post because in my 10+ years experience tutoring children and young people I have seen the disastrous consequences of the perfectionistic attitude on their learning.

What's so bad about it?

Indeed, we might think that doing the best we can, reaching for the top, being extra conscientious and having an impeccable attention to detail is a quality...

...especially when aiming to enter top private schools, taking scholarship exams and competing with other very highly skilled students.

And of course it can be.

However, perfectionists tend to set unrealistically high expectations of themselves. They want to be correct all the time. The pressure and stress incurred is extremely high. I have witnessed countless times how this attitude sabotages their learning process and actually brings about the opposite of progress and success.

I have seen students not be able to accept making mistakes, freeze and not able to give any answers at all (whether in French or in English), because making a mistake felt too risky, they were anxious to get it wrong. They'd rather be quiet than make a mistake. I've seen them be angry with themselves when they didn't get it right the first time.

Some of them do it inwardly but it is noticeable on their tense faces. When they express it, I hear:

'I've done it wrong again', 'I can never get everything right', 'why didn't I get this straight away' or ' I'm so stupid'.

Do you get a pinch in your heart reading this? Because I do.

I have yet to see a child who benefits from a perfectionist attitude.

Instead of understanding that in order to learn we all need to make mistakes, those students become very disappointed with themselves, unhappy, and they start to believe that they are not good enough. They become quite tense individuals, always in competition with themselves and others.

This in turn can make them doubt their ability to learn and improve, and more importantly they become unhappy people. I, once had a student who had an excellent grade in his French exam but I was told he was sad and very disappointed in himself. He got an 8, a grade many students dream to reach in the GCSE French exam. (the highest mark being 9)

So what can we do?

It's never too late to reverse a habit, but it takes time, dedication and patience.

If the description above fits your child, I'll tell you what I do in my tutoring which has helped tremendously and which you can do at home too.

It's important that the child in question is encouraged and praised when doing something good rather than criticised for how much better they could have done.  Critical feedback should always come after praise as they will not be able to take in the praise otherwise.

It's necessary to remind them often that making mistakes is how we learn. We learn from our mistakes. With language acquisition, as with anything else, it takes repetition and practice. We might do the same mistake 4, 5+ times before something sticks. It depends on each individual and we certainly should not compare or judge how long it takes. They need to feel safe and believe you when you say that it's ok for them not to get it right always.

Now...

They must also see you treat yourself the same way. Your words must be aligned with your actions. They copy what we, adults do, more than what we say to them! So if you say 'be kind to yourself' but they see you be unforgiving to yourself for forgetting your keys, they will learn from your behaviour not your words.

Finding opportunities for the child to have fun and do something that focuses on the body is also key. Very often the child who overthinks and experiences anxiety as a result benefits  from regularly shifting the focus away from the mind to body sensations and feelings.

Doing a sport or joining a theatre club, doing something that is just for fun and doesn't involve competition can be very useful.

It is key for the child to have opportunities when they don't put pressure on themselves.

Are you parent of a child who displays perfectionist traits?

Karine